"Communication and empathy were huge issues when Daniel and I first got together seven years ago."
Kerise Vowles-Myers
- on autism and relationships
Christmas stories: Kerise Vowles-Myers
Christmas can be a wonderful time for many people. ‘Tis the season for gift-giving, celebration and festive cheer. But for many autistic people and their families, the bright lights, busy gatherings, and changes in routine can be very stressful.
We know this year will be very different, due to the impact of coronavirus. As a charity, we want you to know that you are not alone. Visit our coronavirus pages for tips, advice, and support.
Next on our Christmas list is Kerise Vowles-Myers, autistic woman and interior designer. Her husband Daniel and six-year-old son Leo are also autistic. Kerise chats to us about being part of an all-autistic family, the inspiration behind her interior design, and Christmas in the time of coronavirus.
When were you all diagnosed as autistic and what made you seek diagnoses?
My husband Daniel was diagnosed at 23-years-old. He was diagnosed quite quickly, after three thorough assessment sessions with the Wiltshire Autism Diagnostic service.
I was also diagnosed by that service, but it wasn’t until May 2019. I originally went for an assessment for adult ADHD back in October 2018. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder in 2014. The mental health service started to question these diagnoses, after four years of working with me, and suggested I get assessed by a specialist.
I paid an educational psychologist privately. I wanted to find out why I had struggled so much in school so I got her to assess me with this - I thought I might be dyslexic or have other learning difficulties. It took quite a while. We had two or three thorough sessions, and she mentioned that I had been showing traits of not just ADHD but autism. She told me to take the report to my doctors and explain that I’d like to be referred for further assessments for these reasons.
My doctor had known me for a while. She was very understanding and had actually agreed that I may be autistic. She was surprised that I wasn’t diagnosed already as she said she could see a lot of traits in me. She said she never mentioned anything as she thought I was diagnosed as a child! It was quite a lot to take in.
My son Leo was diagnosed very early. He had a lot of specialists involved, from the age of two. When he started playgroup, one of his key workers said they noticed a lot of autistic traits. It took another two years until he was officially diagnosed just because of how young he was.
What is being autistic like for you?
Daniel doesn’t really seem bothered and just gets on with it. It can be challenging at times. Communication and empathy were huge issues when we first got together seven years ago.
"Communication and empathy were huge issues when Daniel and I first got together seven years ago."
It took us until we were both diagnosed to understand not to take each other's behaviour too much to heart, as we do still love and care for each other. We're just a bit different compared to non-autistic married couples. We do still find it hard now and then, but it is nowhere near as bad as before.
A lot of our issues stem from miscommunication, and lack of empathy on Daniel’s side. I’ve always been the opposite, as I have too much empathy. I have had to teach Daniel about that, and explain to him why I get upset, or if he says something that I find rude or upsetting. Telling him makes more of a difference. I used to just keep it to myself, as he’s not always aware of when he has upset someone unintentionally. I don’t regret marrying him though. He understands me so well and it’s all worth it.
Do you have any Christmas tips for autistic people who may find the recent changes difficult?
- Plan ahead as early as you like, so you have enough time to process information and what you’re about to get into.
- If you have family around, let them know if you feel anxious about the recent changes.
- If you have no family around, I’d suggest you find someone you are close to or trust, even if it's just online.
- Plan things you enjoy, both as a distraction and comfort during times of uncertainty.
- Know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling right now. If you need reassurance, I recommend the National Autistic Society Helpline. I use the helpline if I need advice or feel lost. They don’t just help with how you’re feeling. They can also find services you may not be aware of.
None of you are alone. We are a small family. All three of us are autistic, with varying support needs. We’re still going strong and even though some days my husband and my son can do my head in, I love them dearly and have no regrets. It takes time and patience, but you will get to where you all want to be eventually.
How did you get into interior design, and what inspires your designs? Does being autistic influence your approach to your work?
To be honest I’ve never known what to do as a career. I've always jumped from one subject to the next. I kept myself in education for a long time, as I like to learn things and gather more and more information. I originally studied an I.T course. I enjoyed it a lot but I knew it still wasn’t what I wanted to do.
I never actually knew there was a career in interior design as I never looked into it. Growing up, I was always the tidy one. I would always get bored of how my home would look, and would want to make changes, but I never knew why. I assumed it was something to do with my OCD. I then discovered my OCD was linked to my autism diagnosis, so who knows? Being autistic could have influenced my approach to this type of work.
I really enjoy interior design, especially the technical drawings around floor plans, elevations and 3D rendering. When I was studying I.T, I knew was getting close to what I really wanted to do for work as technical drawings involve I.T.
I also know my ADHD also played a part in this, as I get bored easily. Because interior design is so varied, it gives me that motivation to carry on!
With the festive season approaching, how do you feel about Christmas in general?
Honestly, we don’t ever get too festive about Christmas and never normally have. I think the best time for me was when I was around Leo’s age (Leo is six) but now it just gets quite boring for my husband and me.
We’ve made things extra festive this year just because of the pandemic. It's just been a really bad year. However, it did make us realise that we should be making the most of Christmas and other important times. Being around our family is what we love most, even if it gets quite overwhelming and loud at times.
"Being around our family at Christmas is what we love most, even if it gets quite overwhelming and loud at times."
What is Christmas like at your house? How do you usually celebrate?
It’s different every year. Some years we have our decorations all in one room, or other years we decorate the whole house. We do always have a Christmas tree though.
We usually celebrate with family - we have our Christmas dinner, then watch movies. The Muppets Christmas Carol and Home Alone 1 & 2 are some of our favourites. In the evenings we play board games or video games.
Christmas is a very visually overwhelming time. Is this ok for you?
It’s much easier for me than it was years ago. As Christmas only happens once a year, I like to just get the more challenging aspects out of the way, while also enjoying the good parts - like being able to see family I wouldn’t be able to see any other time, or I just think of the amazing Christmas dinners my nan makes! She always knows how to make the roast potatoes so crispy and golden on the outside but soft on the inside. She also makes this gravy with cooked onions and tomatoes. I've seen her put sauces in, but apparently there's a secret ingredient.
What do you think of Christmas decorations? Any tips for a more stylish Christmas decoration?
To be honest, our decorations aren't really that different, so I don't have many specific tips.
Sometimes we make our own decorations, which saves a lot of money and helps us avoid the stress of panic buying. We get some colourful paper cards, cut them out into rings, and use them as decorations.
A friend of mine gathers large autumn leaves, sticks them all in a line of string, and hangs them up around the house. We tried that this year, and it works really well.
What adjustments will you need to make this year due to the coronavirus restrictions? And how do you feel about these changes?
Christmas Day will be just the three of us. I’m a great cook, but I do usually need a prompting just to make sure I don’t get distracted or forget what I’ve put in. People love my cooking and I'm getting close to making Christmas dinners as well as my nan. I'll never outdo her though, as I think she has a secret recipe!
This year, we’ve planned it in advance, which makes a big difference and helps ease our anxiety. We also have a support worker, Maria, who on standby for us if we need her. We really trust her, and think of her as a friend. She also has an autistic son, so she knows how it feels. So, we do have some support if needed, as part of our adjustments.
We don’t need to really make any adjustments apart from Christmas Day. We’ve chosen to stay at home that day and visit our family the following day. We’re looking forward to spending Christmas together.*
*Note, we talked to Kerise before the additional restrictions following the Government announcement on 19 December.
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