Telling your child about their diagnosis - a guide for parents and carers
When should I tell my child?
This is your decision. Some parents tell their children about their diagnosis when they're quite young (primary school age), as their son or daughter becomes aware of their differences and starts to ask questions. Other parents wait until their child is slightly older, as they feel they will understand the diagnosis better. You may want to ask your child’s school or specialist psychologist to support you with your decision and approach.
How should I tell my child?
There isn't one 'right' way to tell your child about their diagnosis. However, here are some points to consider.
Who is the best person in the family to help bring up the subject? If your child is comfortable with a grandparent or aunt, it might be a good idea to get them involved too.
Choose a moment when you're both in a calm mood and in a familiar place where you both feel comfortable. Autistic children can find it difficult to process new information, especially if they're feeling anxious, stressed or are in an unfamiliar environment.
Try to make sure you won't be interrupted. Your child may need time to think about what you're saying or to ask questions.
One of the ways some parents start a conversation about autism is to talk first about differences. For example, you could write a list of family members' strengths and weaknesses, then talk about what your child is good at and what they find difficult. You could point out that there is a name to this particular pattern of strengths and weaknesses.
Your child may have met other autistic people. You could explain that although autistic people have some things in common, they are all different.
The following might be helpful:
How might my child react?
Your child may be pleased that they now have a better understanding of themselves.
Some children will become concerned that there is something seriously wrong with them which will affect their health. You may need to emphasise that autism is not a disease and no one can die from it. Autism is a life-long condition but with the right support, autistic people can thrive. It may be that your child needs some additional support. For example, your child might have a teaching assistant at school who helps them with tasks they find difficult. You could also point out that your child is good at some things at school which other children need help with.
Be there if your child wants to talk or ask questions. Some children may not want to ask questions face to face. Having a question box, diary or email system can make it easier for some children to ask personal questions. It also gives them more time to process your answer or think of other questions.
What if my child wants to meet other autistic children?
Some children find it helpful to meet other autistic children and to learn that they are not alone. Our local branches run a host of activities for families. Our Autism Services Directory lists social groups, after-school clubs and support groups around the UK.
How should I tell my other children?
If you have other children, you may want to talk to them separately about your child's diagnosis. You will probably explain things differently depending on their ages. The following books might help your children to understand:
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My family is different (for four to nine-year-olds) by Carolyn Brock
What if my child wants to tell their friends at school?
We have written a lesson guide which teachers can use with their class to help pupils to understand autism. You could also talk to teachers about the Circle of friends approach to supporting the inclusion of children on the autism spectrum in mainstream schools.
More from our charity
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Our online community, a place to share your thoughts and experiences
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Our Autism Services Directory for local parent groups and our local branches
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Post-diagnosis support - our short guide to support and benefits you may be entitled to, sources of local support, and how we can help you.
